


better off

by ellixtpage



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, College, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Party, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:16:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29729607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellixtpage/pseuds/ellixtpage
Summary: Tsukishima Kei realizes, all too late, that he's in love with his best friend.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	better off

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mooncandies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooncandies/gifts).



> for pj my beloved. enjoy

If he had to put a date on it, it would probably be sometime in the middle of December, a few months after his 18th birthday when the wind is chilly and the skies are dark.

It snows that day, coming down so harshly that the ground is coated in the white substance and the rooftops are covered in a blanket of it. There’s some people walking by on the streets below, some excitedly chattering at the sight of snow arriving just before Christmas Day, And usually, Tsukishima would roll right over in bed and get extra sleep- the roads are probably too icy for going anywhere anyway- and allow himself to dream again.

But a cold chill runs up his spine, one that can’t be caused even in the usually cool apartment, meaning there’s either a draft or his roommate has left a window open. Either way, mildly inconvenienced and slightly angered about the situation, he rolls out of bed with a groan and checks his phone for the time.

_5 in the morning, just perfect,_ he thinks sarcastically. Either way, he quickly walks out into the living room of the apartment. Sure enough, there is a window wide open right in the living room.

Not only is the person who left it open letting precious heat out of the house, but they’re also letting in the freezing chill from outside right into the house. Not to mention that it’s still snowing down softly outside, the white powder forming a small line on the windowsill _inside_ the house. 

Tsukishima groans before stepping forward quickly, pulling down the window quickly with one swift motion. Right then, the front door opens- more cold air, and he’s starting to think maybe the universe is just against him- but quickly closes as soon as it opens. He turns around to spot his roommate entering, the shorter boy setting down some paper bags on the kitchen counter. He doesn’t even seem to notice Tsukishima standing there at first, but when does, he jumps with a yelp.

“Dude! You scared the hell out of me!” He complains, holding a still-gloved hand over his chest. “What are you doing up, anyway? It’s like- 5 in the morning.”

Tsukishima just stares at him, speechless. “What am I doing awake? Why did you just enter our apartment, covered in snow, at 5 in the morning? And why was the window open?” He asks tiredly. Yamaguchi looks blurry- he rubs his eyes again, cleaning up his glasses with his shirt lazily.

“I just wanted to wake up a bit earlier to get some stuff,” he says suspiciously.

“Five in the morning?” Tsukishima teases. “I’m lucky to get you awake anytime before 10. If anything, I’m usually the one who wakes up early,” he says, walking towards the bags. “What was so important, anyway?”

Yamaguchi quickly jumps in the way. “No!” He yells. Tsukishima blinks. “It’s, uh. Top secret stuff.”

He gives him a funny look before repeating, “top secret stuff?”

Yamaguchi nods again. 

“Uh-huh. It’s cake batter and icing isn’t it?”

“What the hell, dude? Do you have X-Ray or something?” Yamaguchi complains, turning around and opening the bag. “How did you even know?”

“You are so predictable, it’s worrying, honestly,” Tsukishima replies. He looks at the cake batter and frowns. Cake for breakfast doesn’t exactly sound appealing, but he looks at the excited expression on Yamaguchi's face as he talks about how he’s gonna decorate the cake and decides he won’t complain. So, he makes himself comfortable on one of the stools at the kitchen counter.

He rests his head on his hand, yawning as his eyes droop. This is strange; usually, he’s the one who wakes up early, and he’s never this tired, but maybe it has more to do with the absurd amount of time he spent looking for presents for Yamaguchi last night, resulting in him getting little sleep.

“So, really-” He interrupts himself to yawn while Yamaguchi pulls milk out of the fridge- “you went out at five in the morning just to get this stuff?”

He pulls out a glass bowl and nearly drops it on the floor, causing Tsukishima to stifle a laugh. “Uh, yeah! I wanted it to, uh- be a surprise. I was gonna hide it and go back to sleep and then wake up and bake it with you. Usually, the stores are out of stock the day before Christmas, so I just figured…”

He shrugs, watching how Yamaguchi focuses hard on pouring in all the ingredients. “That was sweet of you. It’s still dark out, though.”

“Well, you can go back to sleep, if you want. Sucks that you woke up early on a snow day.” It’s then that the original reason he woke up comes back to mind, and he frowns at Yamaguchi.

“Speaking of waking up, why the hell was the window open? The cold woke me up,” he grumbles. 

“Oh! I saw this squirrel the other day, right?” He proceeds to tell the story- one with far too many details and him getting side-tracked and excited- but Tsukishima listens to the entire thing with an interested expression and wide eyes, just because Yamaguchi’s voice is calming.

Suddenly, he’s not mad about him leaving the window open anymore. He’s not sure how to feel about that.

It happens sometime in the middle of the night, just after Midnight, maybe a week or two after Christmas.

The snow from before has melted, leaving the sidewalks ice-less, though the wind is still as chilly as ever. Tsukishima sits at his desk typing away at his computer, working on an essay. He decides, when he’s been stuck on the same sentence for the past half an hour, that it’s time for a break.

After standing up and taking a moment to stretch, he carefully creaks open his door and enters the kitchen- the last thing he wants to do is accidentally wake up Yamaguchi- and fumbles with opening the kitchen cabinet using only his phone flashlight. Eventually, he manages to find a cup, carefully sliding it out and filling it with water.

“What are you doing?” A voice mumbles, causing him to jolt and nearly drop the cup. A silhouette stands in the darkness, and Tsukishima quickly shines his flashlight on it, sighing deeply in relief when he sees it’s just a tired-looking Yamaguchi.

Trying to recover from the spook, he takes a small sip of water before answering. “I’m just getting water, taking a break from working on my essay- What about you?”

Yamaguchi yawns. “I’m just bored. Couldn’t sleep.” And Tsukishima knows he’s lying, and he wants to tell him he knows that he can’t fall asleep because he’s been having nightmares for three months straight. But instead, he takes another sip of water and shrugs as Yamaguchi sits at the kitchen counter.

“Huh. You should take some melatonin and sleep.”

Yamaguchi looks up suddenly. His eyes are rimmed red. He looks like he’s been crying.

Maybe it’s just the kitchen lighting, Tsukishima tells himself. 

“Y’know what?” Yamaguchi says confidently. “We should go to a party.”

Tsukishima scoffs. “A party? You’re kidding, right? I’m working on an essay, and we’ve got school tomorrow, and it’s midnight. Plus, you’re like, the last person I’d expect to go to a party.” 

Yamaguchi rolls his eyes. “I don’t know. It could be fun.” He can see it in his eyes- he wants to sleep, but he doesn’t want to sleep alone, so he wants to go out. He should just ask Tsukishima.

He wants him to ask. He doesn’t.

“I don’t know,” Tsukishima says. “Maybe this weekend.” Yamaguchi doesn’t respond, picking at his nails and staring at the counter, looking like he’s moments away from passing out. “Hey. I really think you should go to sleep.”

And he wonders what could be so awful about a nightmare that someone wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, and he wonders how you help someone who’s that scared, and he wonders if Yamaguchi is afraid to ask if he can talk about it because Tsukishima is so cold-hearted.

He’s beginning to give himself a headache.

“Can I put on a movie?” Yamaguchi asks with a shiver as he walks towards the hallway closet and pulls out a blanket. “I’ll keep it on low volume so you can sleep.”

He keeps wondering, he keeps wishing Yamaguchi will tell him something, anything, to go off of- but he doesn’t.

“Yeah, of course,” Tsukishima responds as he empties the rest of the water into the sink and enters his room while Yamaguchi turns on a movie. He can hear it playing quietly, but it makes for some nice background noise as he continues his essay.

The movie doesn’t turn off for the rest of the night. He would think Yamaguchi fell asleep if it weren’t the sounds he makes every few minutes as he stretches or yawns.

He wanted to go to a party rather than go to sleep, something so out of character for him, but Tsukishima didn’t say anything about it, and he’s never felt more selfish in his life.

Class is becoming increasingly harder to focus on, Tsukishima is realizing. 

It happens sometime near the end of January, where he finds himself scrolling through photos of him and Yamaguchi as kids on his parent's Facebook and on his old iPod Touch. He finds himself gazing at his friend just a little bit longer than any normal person should. He thinks about transferring a class to be with Yamaguchi in one of them, just to make sure he’s doing okay. He never was the most successful in school, after all.

“Who are you looking at?” Kuroo asks one day in the middle of lunch, making Tsukishima jolt. Kuroo looks around the lunchroom.

“Nobody,” he responds, picking at his sandwich as he watches Yamaguchi standing over the water fountain. “Just zoned out.”

Kuroo raises a brow. “Zoned out staring at Yamaguchi, huh?” He teases. Tsukishima feels his ears turn red, frowning. “Hey, it’s totally fine-”

“He’s just my friend, okay?” Tsukishima interrupts grumpily. Kuroo puts his hands up in mock surrender, laughing, and the air goes quiet between them, save for the silent chatter of other students around them. “I’m worried about him.”

Kuroo takes a bite out of his apple, tilting his head slightly as he chews. “Worried about him? What for? Is he failing a class again?”

“Again?” Tsukishima repeats, eyes widening.

“He didn’t tell you?” Kuroo asks, and the blonde shakes his head, causing him to continue. “I thought he would have told you. He completely flunked his English class in the first semester.”

“I had no idea,” Tsukishima says with a frown, watching as Yamaguchi heads back to the library, just like he always does during lunch. He never questioned why he started eating in the library. After what Kuroo just told him, he can probably connect the dots.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” He mumbles, and Kuroo just shrugs. He says something else after that, something about the two being thick as thieves, something about being surprised Yamaguchi never mentions it to him, but Tsukishima tunes him out, because all he can think about is how Yamaguchi didn’t tell him something so important and how he wishes he did.

Is it important? Is he overthinking this? Maybe Tsukishima has just been so closed off, Yamaguchi didn’t feel comfortable telling him. Or maybe he did something to hurt his friend- should he have asked if he was okay when they went to the party last week?

He doesn’t know the answer to any of those questions, and it begins gnawing at the corners of his mind, upsetting him and giving him a headache.

He walks Yamaguchi to class after that. The two don’t have any classes together- different majors does that to a person- but at least they’re in the same college and share the same apartment near the campus, so he’s able to walk him there.

Yamaguchi keeps up a normal and upbeat conversation, ranting and raving about how he got distracted in the library by a book about dinosaurs because he knows Tsukishima likes them. He recommends it to him, and the blonde memorizes the name, deciding he’ll check it out after school ends. 

Finally, they arrive to the right building, and when Yamaguchi turns to say goodbye, Tsukishima grabs his shoulder. He gives him a confused look.

_What do I even ask?_

“What’s wrong?” Yamaguchi asks.

“I thought you dropped something,” Tsukishima lies, clearing his throat awkwardly. “I’ll see you this afternoon?” Yamaguchi smiles, says ‘yes’ and his goodbyes, and then he’s left standing alone at the entrance of the building, watching as he walks away.

As it turns out, Yamaguchi has a great memory, specifically for the promises people make. 

Even more specifically, for when Tsukishima told him that the two of them could go to a party next weekend. And Tsukishima does like everything about his friend, but he’s certainly not a fan of how he remembers his promise, because a party is the last place he’d like to be.

It’s especially the last place he’d like to be when it’s the one Saturday night he has to work on a project due next Monday- he’s gotten most of it done, thank god- but that doesn’t change the fact that he still needs to get more done and would rather be anywhere but here.

And maybe Yamaguchi notices this, because he turns to Tsukishima about an hour after they arrive to the party, looking drunk out of his mind with flushed cheeks and wobbly legs, and tells him he’s ‘being far too uptight and un-swag right now.’

Tsukishima doesn’t even know how to respond to that, so he just rolls his eyes at his friend and goes back to scrolling on his phone. Twitter is far too boring, but it’s the only app he can think to go through, so he’s stuck reading Hinata spamming about how wonderful his boyfriend is. He tries texting Kenma, but he’s either fallen asleep, or just doesn’t want to reply to Tsukishima’s texts, so he’s stuck staring at his screen in complete boredom.

“Not your kind of crowd?” A voice asks, and at first he doesn’t even think the person is talking to him until he meets their eyes. It’s a boy about the same height as Yamaguchi, maybe a bit taller, with dark hair and eyes to match it. The question he asked registers in his head again, and he nods silently. The boy leans against the wall with him and stares at his shoes. “Yeah, me neither.”

“Someone drag you here as well?” Tsukishima asks, trying to make conversation. 

“Yeah, my boyfriend. He rarely goes to parties, but he insisted on us having some fun every once in a while,” he says with a small laugh. “I have a huge project to work on, though.”

Tsukishima laughs softly, hoping everything he says can be heard over the blaring music. “Yeah, I feel that. I got dragged here too.”

“Oh, which one’s your boyfriend?” The boy asks.

Tsukishima physically recoils from the question, giving him a flabbergasted look. “Boyfrie-? Oh, no. He’s just a friend. Nothing more.” He pauses as the other boy blinks at him. “We’re, uh. Roommates. Yeah.”

The latter clears his throat. “Oh.” Silence hangs in the air between them, painful. Tsukishima tries to ask himself why he reacted that way at the thought of dating him, but he doesn’t actually know. “My name is Akaashi, by the way.”

“Tsukishima,” the blonde replies, putting out a hand. He almost thinks it’ll come off as too formal until he takes his hand and shakes it. He shoves it back into his pocket. “So… You should probably get back out there. Dance with your- your boyfriend.”

There’s another long pause. Tsukishima has never felt more awkward in his life. Finally, Akaashi just nods in agreement and gives him an awkward goodbye. He lets out a sigh, wanting to slam his head against the wall.

_Yamaguchi, my boyfriend? What the fuck?_

“Kei!” A voice yells from across the room, making him perk up immediately, sweeping over the crowd. “Hey, come over here! We’re gonna play a game!” Yamaguchi yells when he finally locks eyes with Tsukishima. Tsukshima shakes his head immediately, looking for the closest exit right away, but Yamaguchi is across the room and latching onto him before he even has time to move.

“Hey, no, I am absolutely not playing any games-” He says, but Yamaguchi is a lot stronger than he looks, and he manages to drag him across the room in just a few seconds. Before he knows it, he’s thrown onto the couch, a couple of people he’s never met in his life sitting around in a circle. 

“Why am I sitting here?” Tsukishima whispers to Yamaguchi.

“We’re gonna play spin-the-bottle,” a boy with dark hair says with a grin. Tsukishima stands up, and Yamaguchi reaches for his arm, but just barely scrapes the fabric.

“Tsuki, where are you going?” He whines. Tsukishima stares down at him.

“I’m going home,” he says, feeling his face burn. 

“We didn’t even play yet,” he complains with a pout. “You don’t- You don’t want a chance to kiss me?” He teases, and one boy laughs, the other one snorting. Tsukishima feels like he’s on fire now.

“No, I don’t.” He pauses, trying to collect himself and stop his brain from running in circles like an overly-energized hamster. “Call yourself a cab to get home, Tadashi.”

With that, he walks towards the door, feeling horrible.

It’s getting increasingly harder to sleep at night.

At first, it’s his own fault. College has been kicking him in the ass, forcing him to pull more all-nighters than anyone should ever have to and spend most nights up until 2am just working on one tiny assignment. He’s considered changing his major too many times to count, now. But at least he’s getting closer everyday to his dreams, right?

Bullshit, in his opinion. Still, he’s smart, so he gets his work done.

But no, it’s not his fault anymore. Because now, it’s nearing the end of January and getting just a tiny bit closer to spring break, and Yamaguchi has been waking him up most nights. It isn’t on purpose, but it still happens. At least three times a week, he wakes up to the sound of someone yelling out in fear, maybe pain, through the thin walls of the apartment. And every time, he’s convinced that an intruder has finally broken into the apartment, but it’s always just Yamaguchi waking up from a nightmare.

Nightmares. 

He never had to deal with them before. Sure, he had his fair share of nightmares, always the night before a big match, where he falls on the court or messes up something and the team loses. But he never wakes up yelling, and he always forgets about it before the game because Yamaguchi cheers him up, and it works out fine.

No, he doesn’t think Yamaguchi is dreaming about falling on a volleyball court.

He hears him walk into the kitchen and pour a glass of water, just like he always does. He hears him set it down on the counter and let out a big breath, mumbling something under his breath- he thinks it might be him counting to ten- and then he takes a sip of the water, turns something on the lowest volume on TV, and Tsukishima falls asleep. By the time morning comes and he awakens, Yamaguchi is back in his room and looks bright and happy, just as he always does.

He never had nightmares as a kid. Not in high school, either, he would know from the four-day sleepover they once had when Yamaguchi’s parents were out of town. So it must have started in college.

Either way, he misses getting a full night's sleep. So he tells himself this is purely because he wants to be able to sleep and not out of worry for his friend, and enters the kitchen one night as he pours himself a glass.

“Yamaguchi?” He mumbles into the darkness. His friend jumps, and, just his luck, drops the glass on the floor, causing glass to shatter everywhere. “Oh- Uh, oh no-”

“Shit,” Yamaguchi mumbles, leaning down to pick up the pieces while Tsukishima turns on a lamp nearby and comes to help his friend. He’s picking up glass shards with his bare hands, and, unsure of what else to do, Tsukishima reaches out and pulls Yamaguchi’s hands away from the mess.

They’re soft and warm. He tries not to think about that.

“Dumbass. Don’t use your bare hands, just grab the broom,” Tsukishima mumbles. Yamaguchi nods, looking at his hands, which have started bleeding a bit- nothing some good old water and paper towels can’t fix, right?- and walks to the closet to grab the broom. He sweeps it up into the dustpan and quickly moves to the trash can, dumping it in and sighing.

There’s silence between them for a bit, mostly because Tsukishima feels like his brain is barely functioning from tiredness and Yamaguchi is focusing on placing Mario band-aids on his fingers. But finally, he’s leaning against the counter and Tsukishima is pouring his friend a new glass.

“Um… So, why are you awake?” Yamaguchi asks as the cup fills with ice. 

“Because you’re awake,” Tsukishima answers truthfully. He tries to think of a good way to talk to him about this, but confrontation and comfort has never been his strong suit. “You keep having nightmares.”

“Wow, Tsukishima, don’t sugarcoat it,” Yamaguchi says sarcastically. Tsukishima hands him the glass and gives him a sharp look. “I’m sorry. Uh, and I’m sorry for waking you up, too.”

“Yeah.” He pauses. “So…”

Yamaguchi takes a long swig from his glass of water, closing his eyes gently and taking his time. Tsukishima pours himself his own glass, unsure of what else to do.

“It’s about being chased.”

Tsukishima turns to face his friend, raising a brow. “What?”

“The dream,” Yamaguchi says. “It starts off fine. I’m standing in a forest, just minding my own business and exploring. And… the sun starts going down.” He pauses, as if trying to collect his thoughts, and when Tsukishima sees his shoulders start shaking, he doesn’t point it out. “This man comes out of the shadows. He’s holding a knife, and he has this horrifying smile, and he just starts running at me. And I run. I run for so long, for hours in my dream, just trying to escape, but I always slow down eventually, and he kills me.” He looks at Tsukishima and frowns. “It stil scares me each time. I don’t know why, but I’m sorry. I can stop watching TV after and getting water and-”

“Tadashi,” Tsukishima interrupts, and Yamaguchi looks at him, confused. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.” Yamaguchi nods, looking like he’s about to say something before Tsukishima speaks again. “Do you ever try going back to sleep in your room?”

“Uh, not really, no,” Yamaguchi says. 

“Then let’s try,” Tsukishima says, his exhausted brain not even thinking twice before walking towards his friends room and swinging open the door. Yamaguchi follows behind, laying down on the bed carefully, making room for his friend.

It’s out-of-character for both of them. Somehow, neither of them mind.

Yamaguchi sits just close enough for them to be touching, but still keeps a distance, almost like he’s afraid to get closer. Almost like he’s afraid of Tsukishima, and Tsukishima both appreciates the respect of boundaries and also despises them.

_What the hell is going on with me?_

He stares at the ceiling, at all the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. 

“Is this real?” Yamaguchi mumbles after a moment, face buried under the covers and hand hovering over Tsukishima’s arm.

“Yeah,” Tsukishima responds. “You’re not dreaming anymore, I promise.” 

“Tsukishima?” Yamaguchi whispers. “Last week at the party- Did I do something?”

“What makes you think I did?”

“Well, you’ve been acting pretty normal, but the day after, when you gave me the bottle of Advil it was a little bit dented. Like someone had clenched it in their fist.” He pauses. “Out of anger.”

“Oh,” Tsukishima says simply. 

_‘You don’t- You don’t want a chance to kiss me?’ Rings in his head._

“I’m not mad at you, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima whispers. “Now go to sleep.” He counts the stars on Yamaguchi’s ceiling as his friend mumbles a small ‘okay’ and starts dozing off, breathing quietly. There are 25 stars on the ceiling, and that’s Tsukishima’s favorite number.

It must be a coincidence, he thinks as he eyes the picture frame in the corner of the room, one of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi at their first volleyball match, his sleeping friend cuddled up to his side.

Purely a coincidence.

Something is wrong with Tsukishima, he realizes, maybe sooner than he expected to.

He really has Akaashi to blame. Akaashi is the one who brought it up. Akaashi is the one who sits at lunch with him, Kuroo, and Yamaguchi everyday. Akaashi is the one who tells Tsukishima about how great it is to have a boyfriend. Akaashi is the one who pulls Tsukishima back to reality when he finds himself dozing off.

It happens in the classroom, during his last class of the day, when it’s raining outside and Valentine’s day is about two days away.

“Do you always look at him that way?” Akaashi asks passively as he scribbles some stuff down on his paper. He’s supposed to be filling out his worksheet. Instead, he’s doodling his dog in the corner of the paper instead.

“What?” Tsukishima asks, taking a swig out of his water bottle and trying to figure out what the next answer is.

“Yamaguchi,” Akaashi explains. “Do you always look at him like that?”

“Like what? Like a worried older brother?” Tsukishima laughs, tapping his pencil absentmindedly against the paper.

“No,” Akaashi says, not even looking up from the paper. “Like you’re in love with him.”

The tip of his pencil breaks.

“What?”

Akaashi meets his eyes, then looks at Yamaguchi, who talks animatedly across the room with a girl with blonde hair. “I dunno,” he says quietly. “You look at him the way I used to look at Bokuto. Sorry if I’m way off, though-”

“Sometimes,” Tsukishima interrupts, “I stare at him when he’s across the room, just so he’ll turn his head and smile at me.” Akaashi gives him a confused look. “And whenever we study in the library, he only brings one pair of headphones so we can share them, and when I told him to bring two, he didn’t, and I never corrected him. And when we first moved in together, he insisted we buy these abhorrent little glass cups with animals on them, and now they’re my favorite cups to drink from. And one time he left the window open in the apartment overnight in the hopes of a squirrel coming in, and I tried to be mad at him, but I just can’t be mad at him for anything.” He cuts himself off. “I can’t be mad at him anymore.”

Akaashi looks lost for words. “You really care about him, don’t you?”

The glow-in-the-dark stars pop into his head again. “He’s a good friend.”

“You are, too, though. You two make good friends for eachother.” Akaashi pauses, and for the first time since Tsukishima has met him, the usually straight-forward and not-afraid-to-speak-his-mind man looks hesitant to say anything. “Maybe more than friends.”

Yamaguchi turns his head and meets Tsukishima’s eyes, giving him a small smile and wave. Tsukishima feels like he can’t move, his heart fluttering, face going hot. And then Yamaguchi turns away again, and it feels like he’s had something beautiful stolen from him, even though it was just a smile and a wave.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Akaashi asks, “Or you don’t want to accept it?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Tsukishima asks defensively, turning to his friend. And Akaashi gives him a look, one that he can’t really name, but it’s one that says something he doesn’t want to say verbally. It’s a look that tells him he already knows what Akaashi meant by it, one that tells him everything he needs to know.

He hates it. He’s never wanted verbal confirmation for the thing he’s afraid to be so badly in his life before.

“Hey.” Akaashi captures his attention when Tsukishima starts looking at the desk blankly. “For what it’s worth, I think he’d be crazy not to like you back. I see the way he looks at you, too.” Tsukishima watches as Yamaguchi keeps talking to the girl. 

He hopes Akaashi is right.

Yamaguchi lights up one day during spring break, when the sidewalks are wet with rain and the grass around the campus is fresh and wet, the air smelling of petrichor.

It’s the girl. Of course it’s the girl.

She’s got blonde hair and a bright smile, light brown, comforting eyes, and the most gentle hands Tsukishima has ever felt when he shook her hand the first time they met. Her name is Yachi, and she volunteers at the humane society and bakes cookies at her job. He watches the way Yamaguchi interacts with her, a way he never interacts with him. He watches how he excitedly talks about his day to her and how they discuss what kinds of dogs Yachi helped that day.

When they were kids, it was much simpler.

When they were kids, Tsukishima was Yamaguchi’s world. He protected him, he carried him, he did it all for him. Maybe Tsukishima is being selfish, he tells himself as he watches, agonized, how Yamaguchi and the girl talk. He watches, scared, how the two of them get closer every day.

When they were kids, there were no boyfriends or girlfriends, there were just kids.

When they were kids, nobody cared about who you liked.

When they were kids, ‘gay’ was just another word.

Tsukishima isn’t a kid anymore. Sometimes he wonders if he’s really accepted that yet, that his childhood died years ago and time hasn't stopped.

Yes, time stops for nobody, and love perseveres through all, so he watches as Yamaguchi excitedly falls in love. Not with him, but with the blonde girl with the soft brown eyes and the delicate hands. He watches as they bond.

One night, the duo sits at the kitchen counter, Yachi and Akaashi having been invited over to study for a bit. Tsukishima types away at his laptop working on an essay while Yamaguchi and Yachi talk about their next English project. Akaashi sits on the couch, grinning at his phone, most definitely texting his boyfriend.

And then it happens.

“Hey, Tsukishima, have you seen the new girl on campus?” Yamaguchi asks absentmindedly. 

Tsukishima shakes his head. “No, who?”

“Ah, I forgot her name… Something with a ‘k.’ Kitoyo? Kyoto? K…”

“Kiyoko?” Akaashi asks from the couch, and Yamaguchi grins, nodding.

“Kiyoko! That’s it,” he says. He stops typing for a moment and looks up at Tsukishima, “Anyways, I talked to her earlier today and asked if she would give me her number so I can give it to you, if you ever wanna text her. She’s pretty cute.”

Tsukishima laughs. “Thanks, Yams, but I’m not really interested.”

“Oh.” Yamaguchi pauses. “I mean, I think she has a brother, so-”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tsukishima asks defensively, distracted from his essay now as he looks over at Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi gives him a confused look. “Oh, I thought… Y’know.”

Tsukishima blinks. “You thought what?”

Silence, agonizing, hangs between them, not even interrupted by the ping of Akaashi’s phone, as if it knows now is not the time. “I’m sorry,” Yamaguchi finally says after a moment. “I just-”

“I’m not gay,” Tsukishima blurts out. 

“Okay,” Yamaguchi responds peacefully, looking at Tsukishima almost as if he’s afraid to go on.

“I’m straight,” Tsukishima says again.

It’s quiet in the room.

“I think I’m gonna head home,” Akaashi says carefully, standing up off the couch and walking towards the door to slip on his shoes. “Yachi, would you like a ride home?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” she says quietly, giving Tsukishima a small, sympathetic smile as she quickly tugs on her coat and shoes. The door slams shut behind them, and then the two are left in the dim fluorescent light of the kitchen, silence hanging between the two of them.

Yamaguchi is the first to speak, voice firm. “You know, there’s nothing wrong with it if you are-”

“But I’m not,” Tsukishima says quickly, too quickly. Defensively, but too defensively. He doesn’t meet his friend’s eyes. “I- Why did you have to say that in front of them?”

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean to put you in a situation like that-”

“But you still did,” Tsukishima fires back.

“It wasn’t my intention, and I’m-”

“You still did it-”

“Can you let me finish a single sentence?” Yamaguchi asks, voice below a yell, but definitely above a normal speaking tone. “What do you have against it, Tsukishima? You’re friends with Akaashi. You always talk about how cute he is with Bokuto, and you don’t- Well, I know you aren’t homophobic.” He pauses, trying to collect his thoughts while Tsukishima focuses too hard on a spot on the wall. 

“Why?”

He doesn’t have an answer. He never does.

Tsukishima isn’t sure when exactly it happens, but it does.

Sometime in the middle of April, Yamaguchi decides it’s time to get out of the house at the late hour of 6 in the afternoon. He bursts into Tsukishima’s room and pretends they didn’t have the conversation in the kitchen all those weeks ago. He pretends his nightmares have not returned after no more than three weeks of peace. He pretends he slept last night. Tsukishima feels like it isn’t his place to tell him to take care of himself anymore, so he doesn’t.

“Where are we going?” The blonde asked tiredly as he slings on a backpack- he has no idea what’s in it, but it’s heavy, and Yamaguchi is carrying his own, as well- and slips on his shoes. Yamaguchi just giggles like a little kid.

“We need to get there before the sun goes down, come on!” Yamaguchi exclaims, tugging on his friends arm roughly, pulling him out of the apartment. 

He walks, still exhausted from staring at a screen for hours, through the crowded streets of their city and towards a location he’s never seen. Yamaguchi takes him to a forest- well, rather, through a forest- and into another part of the city he’s never seen before. It’s quieter here. Tsukishima doesn’t understand why they couldn’t just drive, but it’s lovely nonetheless.

There’s a frozen-over lake, and when Tsukishikma tests it’s durability with a press of his foot, it doesn’t even creak. Yamaguchi sits on a bench nearby, taking off his backpack and pulling something out of them. Finally, it clicks in his head, and he frowns as he walks over to his friend.

“Oh, hell no,” he says sharply. “I am not ice skating with you.”

“Aww, come on, Tsuki!” Yamaguchi begs. “It could be fun, y’know!”

“Hell no. I’ve seen far too many shows and movies and articles online to do something like this, once ice that could break at any moment, with someone who isn’t experienced.”

Yamaguchi rolls his eyes. “You’ve got nothing to worry about,” he says. “Yachi has been teaching me.”

He freezes, and it’s not because of the cold wind blowing through his hair.

“Is she an ice skater?”

“She grew up doing it,” Yamaguchi explains as he pulls on his skates and carefully ties them, bunny ear method and all, just like he did it when he was a kid. Tsukishima does the same, reluctantly pulling them on. Well, at least if he goes down, Yamaguchi will go down with him.

“Oh. Well, that’s nice,” Tsukishima responds, carefully placing a skate down on the ice. “Are you sure this is safe? I mean, what if it breaks-”

“Hey, I’ve done this a million times with Yachi. I even brought Hinata and Kageyama out here once, and they can all confirm it’s perfectly safe. The ice can hold a lot,” Yamaguchi reassures.

Tsukishima groans. “I swear, if I fall and freeze to death, I am so gonna haunt you for the rest of your life.”

Yamaguchi laughs, and Tsukishima has heard it a million times before, but something about it makes it feel like it’ll be the last time. He’s never had to worry about that before, he thinks as he eyes his friend worriedly.

He looks happy. 

Tsukishima feels terrified.

They skate around in circles for a bit- or rather, Yamaguchi skates around like a majestic bird while Tsukishima clings to his smaller friend, trying desperately not to fall.

“It’s just a small jump- Come on, it’s literally the smallest jump in figure skating-”

“Well I’m not a figure skater!”

Laughing his ass off, Yamaguchi says, “just do it!” So he does, and somehow, he manages to jump right into Yamaguchi and make them both topple onto the ice. 

It cracks.

“Oh shit.” Yamaguchi freezes, Tsukishima still on top of him, feeling unsure of what to do. Yamaguchi, being a genius, suggests, “let’s just stand up.”

Luckily, the two manage to stand up and get off the ice quickly, staring wide-eyed at the giant crack in it. Tsukishima still holds his other friend close, but quickly lets go when he realizes they’re still practically hugging.

“That was…”

“Dangerous,” Tsukishima says.

“Hilarious,” Yamaguchi says at the same time. Tsukishima gives him a funny look. “So what if we almost fell through the ice? It was fun,” he says with a shrug.

Tsukishima laughs lightly, sitting on the bench again, his friend at his side, staring at the sun go down. “Jeez. Who are you and what have you done with Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi laughs. “Shut up. People change,” he argues. It’s quiet between them for a moment, and Tsukishima can feel a question coming, and he’s really beginning to hate those awkward moments of silence between them because they never bring anything good. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it,” Tsukishima says, when he means to say he’s terrified of what he has to ask.

“A few weeks ago,” Yamaguchi begins, “you got really defensive. And I feel like I didn’t properly apologize-”

“Hey, it’s fine, alright? And everything worked out with Akaashi and Yachi, so really… I’m not mad.” He pauses. “And I’m certainly not homophobic.”

Yamaguchi laughs quietly. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Tsukishima says, because he doesn’t want to say he’s fine with anyone else being gay, but he would rather jump into a black hole than admit he may even possibly be gay himself.

Eventually, when only a sliver of the sun is still left in sight, Yamaguchi puts his hand out to Tsukishima with a small smile. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Tsukishima responds, taking his hand and missing the feeling of it just moments later when Yamaguchi pulls it away.

That night, Tsukishima finds himself waking up to the sound of someone yelling again.

And this time, he doesn’t hesitate to stand up and walk to Yamaguchi’s room. He stands outside the door, his hand in a fist ready to knock, but for whatever reason, he hesitates.

He isn’t sure how long he stands there, scared, as if something will go wrong if he does knock. He just listens to Yamaguchi breathe heavily, listens to his friend send a text, listens to everything he does. He wonders if Yamaguchi wants him there.

Why do they never talk about what they want anymore? Did Yamaguchi ever actually like him, or was it in his head?

He doesn’t know. He never knows.

“Hello?” He hears Yamaguchi say into the phone. “Yeah, sorry I’m calling so late, I just- You’re on campus, right? … Yeah, you know where my apartment is… Sorry, I just can’t fall asleep- I kind of- Oh, I’m not trying to call and ask for sex or something, Um-” He hears Yamaguchi laugh after a moment. “Okay. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. I’ll see you soon.”

There’s a knock on the door five minutes later. Tsukishima answers it.

Yachi stands in the doorway, still in her pajamas, her hair a mess yet still beautiful. She blinks tiredly at Tsukishima. “Oh, hey, Tsukishima! Sorry, Yamaguchi called me, and-”

“Yachi!” Yamaguchi calls, seeing the girl at the door. She smiles, face lighting up. Yamaguchi walks over and gives an apologetic look to Tsukishima.

“Sorry if we woke you up- I just, um, had a nightmare, and wanted her here.”

_Was I not enough?_

“It’s fine,” Tsukishima says. The two of them walk to Yamaguchi’s room, closing the door on him, and he isn’t even sure what to feel anymore.

There is something so painfully beautiful about watching someone else live out your dream.

More specifically, Hitoka Yachi. The girl with soft, brown, eyes and delicate eyes and messy blonde hair. She abandons the messy blonde. Her pigtails become waves and her eyes become less soft as she ages.

Before Tsukishima even knows it, it’s been a year. He gets older, he passes another semester or two, and he lives on autopilot. He lives with Yamaguchi and they rarely interact at all, because most of the time, Yamaguchi has Yachi over.

He jokes one night at dinner that Yamaguchi should just move in with her. A month later, he’s living in the apartment alone.

It’s emptier than he thought it would be. He thought he’d grown used to the pain of having to be alone, but it still hurts, and he isn’t sure why, but he misses how Yamaguchi used to wake him up with his nightmares even though it used to annoy him. He misses being awoken by the cold chill outside of a window early in the morning.

“How long?” Akaashi asks one day as he sits in a parking lot with Tsukishima, eating an Airhead. He splits it with Tsukishima when he sees the sad look on his friends face.

“Three months,” he says with a sigh. “They’ve been engaged for three months.”

Akaashi frowns. “I don’t even- I don’t know what to say, Tsukishima,” Akaashi says truthfully. “I’m just… I’m just so sorry. I’m really sorry.”  
It doesn’t change anything, but it doesn’t make him feel any worse, so he takes it.

“Maybe we just weren’t made to last,” Tsukishima says numbly as he takes a bite out of his Airhead. It’s far too sweet for it to be enjoyable.

“Don’t say that,” Akaashi responds. “Yamaguchi is still your friend, and you’ll find someone else, alright?”

“No, you don’t- You don’t get it Akaashi,” Tsukishima responds, running a hand through his unkempt hair. “With him, it just… It felt like infinity. Like we were gonna be forever.”

Akaashi looks down at the bracelet on his wrist. “I know the feeling,” he says. “But you’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Does Bokuto ever talk to you?” Tsukishima asks suddenly. Akaashi looks at him, trying to meet his eyes, but Tsukishima doesn’t. “Does he ever talk… About you?”

Akaashi shrugs. “I don’t know. We text every now and then because we’re in the same friend group, but we aren’t exactly… close. Either way, it’s different. You and Yamaguchi never dated; you’re still his friend.”

_You never dated._

_You don’t have a right to be hurt._

“Akaashi- Do you think he won’t talk about me?” Tsukishima chokes out, feeling tears fill his eyes. He’s starting to get real sick of crying. “Do you think he’ll just live with Yachi and forget about me?”

Akaashi shakes his head. “He’d be an idiot to do that to you.”

He hopes his friend is right.

One night, months later, he finds himself waking up from a nightmare.

A quick check of his phone tells him it’s well past one, just before two in the morning. Snow falls gently outside his window- he checks his school website quickly and sees that there won’t be class tomorrow, so at least he doesn’t have to worry about that. He shudders.

He wonders if this is what Yamaguchi felt. 

Unsure of what else to do, he stands up, flicks on the lights, and walks towards Yamaguchi’s old room. Without even hesitating, he turns the knob and enters what was once his friends room. The first thing that hits him is how cold it is in there. There’s no open windows, but maybe the open-ness of the room just made it chilly.

The second thing that hits him is the stars on the ceiling. They still glow, maybe a bit less bright, but they’re there.

But there are only two left, and they’re both peeling off. 

Something about it makes him sadder than he’s ever been in his life.

He leaves the room quickly. It’s too cold and it’s too empty and it’s too sad and what was once easy to deal with has now become the worst thing in his life. He can write a hundred essays and take a million tests, but he doesn’t know how to live alone, and he doesn’t know what to do now.

When he enters the kitchen again, the window is open. Snow falls outside. There’s a squirrel sitting there, and why it isn’t hibernating, he has no idea.

Now, he really does cry.

He sits on the floor. The couch feels tainted, the last show that played on the TV was Yamaguchi’s favorite, the glasses in the cupboard have little animals on them, and his best friend isn’t here. His best friend is with another girl in another apartment and they probably have their own little animal cups, and because of what?

Because he was afraid?

So when did Yamaguchi fall out of touch with him? When did Yamaguchi stop considering him his best friend, when did he stop loving Tsukishima? Because his phone has been void of any of his texts for almost a year now, and all those things Akaashi promised wouldn’t happen, have happened.

When did it happen?

Well, if he had to put a date on it, it would probably be sometime in the middle of December, a year after Yamaguchi proposes to his future wife, when the wind is chilly and the skies are dark.


End file.
